A Brief History Of Symes

Double celebrity haiku

2008-05-06T19:05:05Z

On Tottenham Court Road,
Ray AND Chris from Life On Mars!
Shopping together.

Abortion tablets in wife's food

2008-02-29T17:06:57Z

Man prosecuted for trying to give his wife a miscarriage.

Horrible story, obviously, but...

"Simon Mayo, prosecuting, said"

SIMON MAYO?!

WANT

2008-01-22T22:33:27Z

It's a functional watch and everything!

Aston, we have a problem

2008-01-10T16:20:15Z

I've always said we were a Big club.

Ah, go on

2008-01-07T10:43:40Z

90% Dennis Kucinich
87% Mike Gravel
80% Chris Dodd
79% Barack Obama
76% Hillary Clinton
75% Bill Richardson
74% John Edwards
72% Joe Biden
41% Rudy Giuliani
35% Ron Paul
32% John McCain
23% Mike Huckabee
23% Mitt Romney
16% Tom Tancredo
13% Fred Thompson

2008 Presidential Candidate Matching Quiz

That'll be useful for when I move to America and register to vote within the next few months.

The 2007 meme, then.

2008-01-02T11:58:46Z

Yes, I know it's at least two days late. Fuck off.

But first, the news. Everyone will already be aware of this via Facebook anyway, but just in case: Jo and I got engaged on Christmas Day. Hurrah! It had been hypothetically planned for some time, but a sudden and unexpected bit of money coming in before Christmas made it possible. It was romantic and excellent. Thus I win.

1. What did you do in 2007 that you have never done before?
Got engaged. Flew in a plane. Left full-time education. Signed on the dole. Co-habited with a ladyfriend. Obtained a degree.

2.Did anyone close to you give birth?
I've been advised to keep as big a distance as possible.

3.Did anyone close to you die?
Nope, thankfully.

4. Did you keep all of last years resolutions?
I don't think I had any.

5. Have you any resolutions for next year?
Lose some weight, get career back on track.

6. What countries did you visit?
Holland, the Isle of Sheppey.

7. What would you like to have in 2008 that you didn't have in 2007?
A proper, paid telly job.

8. What date in 2007 will remain etched in your memory?
26th January was mine and Jo's "official" anniversary, although we'd been seeing each other for a couple of weeks by that point. 13th July was both my 21st birthday and my graduation, all in one. And December 25th was quite good, obviously.

9. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
The interest generated by Brussex at the industry screening.

10. What was your biggest failure?
Nothing coming of it yet. Not *my* failure, per se, but I should have been more active in finding other work while the discussions were going on, so that when they told us at the end of October that nothing would happen until the New Year, I wouldn't have been in quite such a dire situation.

11. Did you suffer any illness or injury?
Nothing major.

12. What was the best thing you bought?
Nintendo Wii! And engagement ring, of course.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
Paul Gannon's.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Rent, and other flat-related expenditure. And booze, obviously.

15. What did you get really really really excited about?
The Wii, going to Amsterdam, and for the first seven months of the year the next time I'd see Jo.

16. What songs will always remind you of 2007?
Nothing comes to mind. A bit of a shit year for music, really.

17. Compared to this time last year are you:

A Fatter or thinner? The same, maybe a little fatter.

B Happier or sadder? Happier.

C Richer or poorer? The same - poor.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Work.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Sitting around being demotivated.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
With the missus, and not with the parents, for the first time ever. It was good.

21. Which LJ users did you meet for the first time?
I'm sure there are plenty of people that I met who have LJs, but I didn't go and meet anyone from here deliberately.

22. Did you fall in love in 2007?
Yes.

23. How many one night stands?
None.

24 What was your favourite TV show?
Doctor Who, Heroes and Life on Mars.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Yes, a nasty little woman whose twattitude I won't go in to here.

26. What was/were the best books you read?
Confessions of a Chat Room Freak by Mr. Biffo, Fat by Rob Grant and Back From The Brink by Paul McGrath. I'm halfway through Tom Baker's autobiography too, and that's ace so far.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Meh. In terms of chart bands, absolutely fuck all. There's been a few decent local bands I've seen for the first time - most notably King Lizard - but I'm struggling to think of anyone else.

28. What did you want and get?
A degree, and I managed a 2:1 at that. I knew I wanted a better love life, but the specifics of what I got were a pleasant surprise.

29. What did you want and not get?
A fucking decent job.

30. What was your favourite film this year?
Hot Fuzz. Was Rocky Balboa out in 2007? If so, that as well. Other than that, the best 'new' films I saw were old ones that I somehow hadn't seen before, but that Jo has on DVD. These include Labyrinth, Stand By Me, Armageddon and It's A Wonderful Life, which is now perhaps my favourite film of all time.

31. What did you do on your birthday and how old were you?
I was 21, and I graduated from uni. This was followed by a night out in Camden.

32. What one thing would have made your year more satisfying?
I'm repeating myself here, but more coming from the Brussex stuff would have been lovely.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007
Erm, I don't know. Jeans, converse and black t-shirts. Like every other year since I was 16.

34. What kept you sane?
The wife.

35. Which celebrity did you fancy the most?
Thanks to the Spice Girls returning, it was Emma Bunton.

36. Which political issue stirred you the most?
There wasn't actually that much that happened in politics in 2007 (obviously, we did have a new prime minister for the first time in ten years, but you know), it was press coverage of politics that pissed me off something rotten. It's like the media decided that Gordon Brown was going to be shit, and so reported everything he did accordingly. And the various false TV scandals have annoyed me too. People seem to have *just* noticed that there is such a thing as editing, and are behaving as this is a new and evile thing.

37. Who did you miss?
Until August, I missed Jo whenever we weren't together. Since then, I've started to miss various uni people - going from seeing people virtually every day to barely seeing them at all is a shock to the system - and also Cappsy, Seb and Rachel since they fucked off to different parts of the country.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned this year?
When TV people say they're going to do something, they are not, in fact, going to do anything.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year...
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes!/Turn and face the strain/Ch-ch-changes!/Pretty soon you're gonna get older/Time may change me, but I can't trace time.

40. Did you enjoy this year?
Oh yes. Many of the highs were brief, yet spectacular. The lows were more slow-burning and deep-seated. But 2007's main theme was complete and total upheaval, and at the end of it I'm happier than I was at the start.

G&T Interviews Doug Naylor

2007-12-15T00:09:28Z

Me and Seb spoke to Doug Naylor. ME and SEB spoke to DOUG NAYLOR.

ME AND SEB SPOKE TO DOUG NAYLOR.

That Wiki Meme Thing

2007-12-11T20:50:34Z

Nabbed from ruudboy, azureskies, et al.

1. Go to the Wikipedia home page and click random article. That is your band's name.
2. Click random article again; that is your album name.
3. Click random article 15 more times; those are the tracks on your album.

My band is University Alliance
Our album is called William Lemke

Track listing:

1. July 9, 2004
2. Jan Želivský
3. Mount Dora [a song about having sex with cartoon explorers]
4. A27 autoroute
5. Skyfire
6. Tharaux
7. Least Absolute Deviations [!]
8. Patient Empowerment [satire against the NHS]
9. Agzu
10. List of WXW Heavyweight Champions [a challenging prog-rock piece, lasting ten minutes.]
11. Northridge High School (Layton, Utah)
12. Boat Lift
13. Abies Homolepis [raising awareness of gay lepers]
14. Watch (computer programming)
15. Izegrim.

Oh look, a meme.

2007-11-29T14:18:08Z

1 If your doctor told you TODAY that you were pregnant, what would you say?
"Look, I know I've put some weight on, but just FUCK OFF."

2. Do you trust all of your friends?
Yes, otherwise they're not my friends.

3. Would you move to another state or country to be with the one you love?
It's best to make them move to be with me, I've found.

4. Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?
If you mean in a divine power controlling things type way, then obviously not. In a more vague, romantic kind of way, then sort of.

5. Can you make a pound in change right now?
No, I'd have to go to the bedroom and find my trousers.

6. Which one of your friends do you think would make the best doctor?
Julian would definitely make the best Doctor.

7. Are you afraid of falling in love?
No. Wise men say 'only fools rush in', but I can't help it.

8.How many cars are on your drive?
No cars, sir. No drive.

9. Is there someone who pops into your mind at random times?
Father Dougal McGuire.

10. What's your favourite scar?
The one I imagine inflicting on Chris Moyles's face.

11. When was the last time you flew in a plane?
Amsterdam to Gatwick, August.

12. What did the last text message you sent say and who to?
It was to Jo, and said lots of household admin type things.

13. What features do you find most attractive in the preferred sex?
Tits.

14. Fill in the blank. I love:
rock and roll, so put another dime in the jukebox, baby.

15. What is a goal you would like to accomplish in the near future?
Lose some fucking weight.

16. Do you ever disobey your parents?
Yes, my dad is a bit of a tit.

17. How many kids do you want to have?
About six.

18. Would you make a good parent?
I would ensure my offspring are Villa fans, despite the high probability that they'll be born in London. So, yes.

19. Where was your default picture taken?
At The Peel in Kingston.

20. What's your middle name?
David.

21. Honestly, what's on your mind right now?
That I perhaps shouldn't have eaten all that leftover curry.

22. If you could go back in time and change something, what would it be?
The birth of Paul Gannon.

23. Who was or will be the maid of honour/ best man at your wedding?
I drunkenly promised it to Henry once.

24. What are you wearing right now?
My dressing gown.

25. Righty or Lefty?
Hands: right. Political bias: left.

26. Best place to eat?
McDonalds.

27. Favourite jeans?
Any that fucking fit.

28. Favourite animal?
Cats/monkeys.

29. Favourite juice?
Orthodox juice.

30. Have you had the chicken pox?
Yes, I had about four spots, and immediately transferred the disease to my sister and mother. Ha.

31. Have you had a sore throat?
What, ever? Yes, obviously.

32. Ever had a bar fight?
No, remarkably.

33. Who knows you the best?
Jo.

34. Shoe size?
10.

35. Do you wear contact lenses or glasses?
Neither.

36. Ever been in a fight with your pet?
No, obviously.

37. Been to Mexico?
No.

38. Did you buy something today?
No, but I will soon venture into town to buy some special delivery at the post office.

39. Did you get sick today?
Not yet.

40. Do you miss someone today?
Your mother.

41. Did you get in a fight with someone today?
No.

42. When is the last time you had a massage?
A few nights ago. Just a back rub, nothing pervy.

43. Last person to lay in your bed?
Me.

44. Last person to see you cry?
Jo, presumably.

45. Who made you cry?
Catherine Tate, with her repeated existence.

46. What was the last TV show you watched?
I'm currently watching the highlights of Blackburn vs Villa.

47. What are your plans for the weekend?
Going to azureskies and victory_gin's flatwarming party.

48. Who do you think will repost this?
Your mother.

49. Who was the last person you hung out with?
Jo.

50. If your significant other asked you to marry them TODAY what would you say?
Yes!

Two things about England

2007-11-22T13:53:05Z

1) Can all the people on the internet who don't actually care about football but feel compelled to talk about it whenever England lose just SHUT UP? You don't know what you're talking about, and you're really annoying. Thanks.

2) YOU CAN'T HAVE O'NEILL, FUCK OFF, HE'S OURS.

iansymes @ 2007-11-12T12:23:00

2007-11-12T12:24:43Z

Hello, everyone! I hope you like the things I'm going to say.

2007-10-09T12:18:57Z

Yes, I know it's been three months. Fuck off.

I'm still not working. This is getting quite depressing now. Obviously, I'm enjoying having fuck all to do, but I preferred it when I was a student, and was *supposed* to have fuck all to do. And it's still nothing to do with laziness. I'm in talks with a production company to make a pilot, and have been for quite some time now. It's all progressing well, but painfully slowly. It's understandable, considering the scale of this company's operations, and the fact that we're mere graduate newcomers, but it's very slowly destroying my soul. The current hold-up is long discussions about marketing and 'selling our product'. Yes, I currently watch Charlie Brooker's Screenwipe through a mixture of laughter and sobbing.

So, in the mean time I've done what every self-respecting future-failed-writer does at some point in their doomed career and started signing on. It was my interview thing yesterday, which was thankfully brief, but utterly annoying. I really resented being patronised by someone who can only type using one finger. And someone who thinks "video" is spelt "vedio". And someone who was baffled when a search for "data entery" in the jobs database yielded no results, and who, when I informed her that there was only one e in 'entry', said "yes, that's right, one there and one there".

KEYS!

2007-07-30T17:22:08Z

Today, Jo and I went over to the estate agents to do the final bits of paperwork and pick up the keys to our flat! HURRAH! This is excellent, obviously. We popped over to the flat (which is in Hanwell, FYI), to move a few bits over, before Jo had to head back to Stockport to meet the removal men. She's coming down with a big van full of stuff on Thursday, and I am under strict instruction to stay out the way until she's got all her things organised. Which is fine by me! I'm currently looking around my room and wondering how the bloody hell I'm going to pack everything up before I have to leave my Enfield house on Saturday. My mum and dad are coming round with the people carrier on Saturday morning to move my stuff, and we've got to get loads of things done before we head of to Gatwick on Sunday evening, for our flight to Amsterdam on Monday morning. So I'm in for a hectic week, but it'll be worth it. I'm sick and tired of not being with Jo all the time, and I'm pretty bloody bored of house-sharing politics now. If you'll excuse the oxymoron, I can't wait until we're alone together.

I've still not got a job, and considering the first rent payment is due on the 30th of August, this is increasingly scary. My lack of job is not, as you might imagine, down to my laziness; it's due to THINGS TAKING SO LONG. However, there has been some progress in the last week or so, and I've got a meeting with a distributor in a couple of weeks' time. I don't want to jinx it, but watch this space.

This weekend was excellent; we were in Ludlow for Jo's mum's wedding. Friday night was spent at their very posh new house, having a little party for the new neighbours and party guests who had arrived early. I spent most of the time hiding in the conservatory with Jo and Tom (her brother), mocking people from a safe distance. Saturday was the wedding itself; it gave me an immense amount of satisfaction to be in charge of the music for the ceremony, which involved playing the Red Dwarf Series 1 & 2 opening theme when the bride walked in, and the Elvis version of the closing theme at the end. Jo looked stunning as a bridesmaid; all the male guests I spoke to told me how lucky I am, and I agree! I was at the head table for the meal, which was excellent. I amused myself by making a picture of a big spunking cock out of confetti, and writing "Tom is a gay" on the tablecloth in UV pen. Then on Sunday, after a pub lunch, we headed down here via Brum, and had tea at my parents' place.

I've not been sleeping too well recently, what with the stress of the move and worry over unemployment. I'm also off my food, and even more staggeringly, I've not felt much like drinking. This next week is going to be a big pile of fucking shit, but I'm very much looking forward to a time when I'm settled in the new flat, with an exciting job and me in my new life as a proper grown-up and that. Now, excuse me, gentlemen, while I have a humiliating panic attack under the scanner table.

Pass the Dutchies on the left hand side

2007-07-18T15:28:59Z

Two pieces of excellent news:

1) My big surprise birthday present turned out to be a holiday to Amsterdam! This is excellent, obviously. It'll be my first holiday for about six years, and my first time on a plane. Yes, at the age of 21, I am yet to go on a plane. I get to spend a week with my excellent girlfriend, eating pancakes and smoking legal drugs. Hurrah!

2) Even bigger and better news... me and Jo have a flat! It's in Hanwell, W. London, it's above an off license and it has TWO TOILETS. Thus I win. It's expensive and slightly scary, but all worth it to never have to endure this long-distance-relationship bollocks again. We move in on the 30th July. Hurrah!

Oh for fuck's sake

2007-07-04T00:37:14Z

This is literally the worst thing ever.

Things that can fuck off:

2007-07-03T15:51:50Z

1) Having to wait for nearly a month for an offer of work to be confirmed, leaving you unable to seek other work in the meantime.

2) Banks, with their insistance on taking five days to transfer money to your account, just so they can keep hold of the interest that accrues. Also, their policy of charging me 35 quid for going over my overdraft limit could do with revising. "Hmm, this person is in so much financial trouble that their monthly standing order for household bills is a struggle to pay... let's make them even poorer!"

3) Me, for forgetting to cancel standing orders and subscriptions, despite knowing I'd be out of money, and having no willpower whatsoever when it comes to buying food and booze on a budget.

All of which means I'm playing the "Trying To Live Off The 36p In My Pocket For As Long As Possible" game. Fun!

I have a 2:1

2007-06-23T10:47:15Z

So fuck y'all.

Celebrity Haiku

2007-06-02T11:47:18Z

Euston on Friday,
The Fifth Doctor on the tube!
Looking quite puzzled.

Hi-Ho Silver Jubilee

2007-05-26T11:51:13Z

25 years of hurt, never stopped me dreaming...

Big Brother's Big Fanny

2007-05-25T22:22:28Z

Thirty years ago today, Star Wars was released. To celebrate, I headed over to The George Lucas Stage at Elstree Studios, to take part in the pilot recording of Big Brother's Big Mouth.

My housemate, Kathleen, works as a runner on the show, so I got roped in at short notice to be in the audience. I turned up at Elstree Studios about quarter of an hour early, and so had to wait outside with other audience volunteers for a while. We eventually got shown into the BB 'Friends and Family' room, stocked to the gills with cheap lager and cheaper wine. We were shown a tape of last year's launch show, as that's what we'd be talking about in the show, because, obviously, this year's launch show hasn't happened yet.

Now, every single audience member was a fucking twat. It was as if they thought they were at an audition to be in the actual Big Brother. You know how if you get more than one drama school graduate in the same room, they create a stupidly competitive atmosphere, with everyone trying to get noticed and trying to be the biggest character in the room? It was that, but with twenty of the fuckers. So I just sat drinking beer, inwardly sneering at all the attention-seeking cunts.

Then they wanted us to record vox-pops-type things, saying who we were, where we'd come from, and how excited we were about Big Brother. Because of all the vacuous morons leaping at the chance, I was in the last batch. I witnessed a pair of Essex girls shrieking and wooping desperately at the camera, and felt nauseous at their stupid performance. As the penultimate vox-popper went up (with me as the last one), the director said, "oh, we still need someone to do the 'Chris Moyles Is A Cunt' thing". I immediately piped up, with "I'll do the 'Chris Moyles Is A Cunt' thing!". It turns out, Chris Moyles, who's presenting the first three shows of the series, had suggested a joke whereby the final vox-pop person would complain about coming all the way to the studio just to see Chris Moyles. So, when I was in front of camera, I said "Hi, I'm Ian, I've come all the way from Birmingham [a lie], I've had to take the day off work [a lie], and I've come all the way to the Big Brother house, just to sit in a studio with that Chris Moyles. He's *such* a fat motherfucker". During the show, they cut at 'mother', and it was rather funny. And all the more funny, because I actually *do* hate Chris Moyles!

During the show itself, surprisingly enough, all the loud, opinionated people from the green room transformed into shy, reserved people with nothing to say whatsoever. So, I excelled, as I'd planned to all along. I got Moyles's attention with a gag about Shahbaz waving like the Queen Mother. He came over to me and said, "ladies and gentlemen, special guest tonight, it's Brad Pitt!". Now, what I *should* have said in reply was "ah yes, you were one of the twelve monkeys", but this didn't occur to me until two hours later. What I *actually* did was just laugh and look sheepish. But in the second half of the show, during a discussion on the possibility of sex in the house, I made a joke about how you never see it going in anyway, which seemed to go down well with the sheep-like audience and crew.

So after the show, having made a good impression, I stuck around waiting for Kathleen to finish so I could get a lift home. As it happened, we ended up in the pub having several pints with several members of the production team. Hurrah! A rather enjoyable afternoon out, there.

In other news, my phone is fucked. It works every now and then, but at random intervals, which usually seem to occur when I'm in the middle of sending a text, the screen just goes white, and stays like that for about five minutes. I should be getting it sorted in the next couple of days, but in the meantime, sorry if I'm uncontactable at certain points. Like you care.

Brussex County Council

2007-05-20T23:14:48Z

Hello you,

Brussex County Council has finally launched. It's an online sketch show in the guise of a spoof council website. Written by producer Henry Imbert and director Ian Symes, it provides a new and innovative way of delivering sketch comedy. And it's quite funny.

Have a butchers at http://www.brussexcountycouncil.com/

Do it now!

Cup Final

2007-05-19T13:35:04Z

This "Parade of Legends" thing. One representative from each of the last fifty Cup Finals comes out on the pitch. They've got soldiers holding up big banners with each of their names on. They've spelt Denis Law's name wrong!

Be excited now.

2007-05-15T23:47:27Z

Some screen grabs from Brussex, which should be launching in about a week.

May the fourth be with you

2007-05-04T08:54:03Z

AHA. Yes, I know I'm not the first with that subject, but I would have been if I'd have done this as soon as I woke up.

So, yesterday university ended forever. That's sure to be good. It was a little anti-climactic, for a few reasons. Firstly, I was producing the pre-record bit of the show, so when I'd finished all my work at half twelve, there was still a show to be done. Also, there's the matter of all the written work that's due in a few weeks time. A huge group of us went out for boozes last night; a few of the girls got a bit teary, mainly due to the fact that one of them is emigrating to the US permanently in a few weeks. But again - anti-climactic. I'm going to be seeing everyone again for our end-of-year screening in June, the big goodbye party a few days later, and then the graduation in July (which is on my 21st birthday, interestingly enough).

Nevertheless, I did feel a bit weird yesterday. Neither happy nor sad to be leaving, just... weird. I don't think it's sunk in yet. When it does sink it, the fear of having to get a job and get a flat will really kick in. (More on the latter in the next couple of days, by the way.)

I get to see me bird tomorrow. Hurrah!

See me play some CDs!

2007-04-26T19:52:54Z

Everyone come along to this gig, what nixazzurri is putting on, and what karleisenhauer and I are DJing at! It's on a Saturday night in Camden, it's only five quid, and it's the Bank Holiday Weekend. Plus, the headline band are fronted by the blonde cameraman off of ITV Play's Quizmania. What more could you want?